Oubliette ‘A place where one is forgotten’

Have you ever found yourself in a situation, at the mercy and actions of another human being, a place so dark and devoid of any logic, a place so lacking in reason, a place where you felt as if you had been forgotten, never to be found?

I had never dreamt that such a place could exist in the world, let alone inside my soul. Recently, I found myself in a somewhat emotionally vulnerable situation, in a place so cold and dark and suffocating with heartache and sadness, a chasm that had long since lost its light and warmth, and I stood naked and beaten in the coldness of the unjust words and actions of others. I longed to disappear, to be alone where I could not be vulnerable, where no-one could hurt me.

All that would normally buoy me back up, seemed flat and not worth a second thought. Food lost its taste, and the world around me seemed dull and colourless. People I had considered my friends showed their true colours and their concerns, hypocritical.

But in this darkness, I also found people who were willing to stand for the truth, friends who stood strong and solid amidst the mayhem and insanity of a bad situation.

And in this darkness, I found the strength through my Creator to put my life and my turmoils into perspective. I felt humbled by my helplessness and my smallness, in sharp contrast to the greatness and comfort of Someone so much greater than I could comprehend.

I realised that I had worked so long to create the mask to conceal my vulnerabilities. I had intricately designed and redesigned the illusion of a strong woman, confident and independent; indestructible and untouched by the opinions of other’s. But in reality, I feared rejection and allowed ‘their’ opinions to navigate my every move while I failed to set out boundaries, I had allowed people to hurt me with their words and actions, and I had refrained from retaliating, allowing them to keep hitting me harder and harder.

I have learnt that I need to set firm boundaries, that I need to stand up for what I believe in and for my integrity and reputation and I have learnt that the truth will always win.

I now also know my own strength and I can use this to climb the long stretch out of the abyss, and feel the warmth and love of those that are truly my friends.

More importantly, in that quiet place within myself, when my strength is depleted, and I surrender, I am able to feel the love and comfort of my Creator, and feel my pain, not as a crippling devastation, but as a human sadness, that I know will heal with time, as all emotions do. And in this place, I know that wherever I may be, whoever I may be, I am never forgotten.